In the Car After the Cliff
by Zlhna
Summary: One-shot. Jacob and Bella in her truck after he rescues her from her cliff-diving mis-adventure. Jacob says some things I think Bella needs to hear.


I was in his lap and his eyes were studying my face, memorizing it. His features were etched with pain.

"I'm fine," I assured him for what felt like the hundredth time.

"But you almost weren't. Bella, if I had been two minutes later, you would be dead. Do you know what that would have done to Charlie?"

But we both knew he wasn't really talking about Charlie.

"What made you do it?" he asked quietly, his hand carefully stroking my hair.

"I think it would hurt you if I told you," I admitted. I didn't want to hurt Jacob. Not this way. I couldn't count the number of times and ways I had sent a knife through his heart. And still he didn't leave me. He must be a glutton for pain.

He looked at me seriously, painfully, "Bella, I thought I wouldn't get there in time. I thought I was going to lose you. Whatever it is, is not going to hurt as much as that."

"Don't be so sure," I muttered.

"Tell me," he pleaded, demanded.

"Edward," I whispered, barely audibly. But of course he could hear it.

Jacob's hand froze midway through its soothing trip through my hair. I could feel him trembling in anger and his eyes shut tight as he controlled it. After an instant it stopped, he opened his eyes and said quietly, "Go on."

"Jake, I don't think it's a good idea..."

"No, I want to hear it."

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

"Why do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You almost kill yourself for the guy? The guy who left you in pieces?"

"He's not gone, he's still with me," I half yelled, trying to make him understand. Then I froze. I gave away too much. I hadn't told him about the voices.

"What?" Jacob said, his eyes bearing into me.

I looked down, ashamed. I could feel the burn of tears behind my eyes and I pushed them back. I won the battle, but one slipped out and crawled to the tip of my nose, where Jacob caught it with his finger. His face softened.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he pleaded. "I'm not angry, I swear. I'm worried." I looked up at him. "Did you think that maybe he's still with you because you won't let him go?"

"I'm afraid of being alone," I admitted in a whisper. Jacob trapped my face between his large, warm hands, and held my face close to his, so his eyes could look deep into mine. He vowed slowly, clearly, quietly, "I will never leave you."

I saw the truth there written on his face. For a moment I felt my heart leap into my throat and I was intensely aware of every part of us that was touching.

"I hear him in my head," I whispered. Jacob's hand dropped from my face, one moving to resume stroking my hair and the other lightly squeezing my hand to encourage me to continue.

"It started a few months ago," I began, "and I realized that when I was in a dangerous situation, I could hear him yelling at me to be safe." I laughed a little at myself, but Jacob's face remained serious, concerned.

"So the bikes? And the cliff diving?" he asked, piecing together what I was telling him.

"Yes," I confirmed, ashamed.

"So I helped you to get close to him?" he asked sadly.

"Oh, Jacob, it's not like that, I like you in your own right, separate from him!" I hurried to explain. I ruin everything. He was going to get up and leave now. I'd be alone in my truck, half-drowned, and empty again.

But he didn't move; his hand was still in my hair. He placed it on my neck and pulled me forward so that his forehead was resting against mine. His eyes were closed. "Shhh. It's okay. I understand."

"How can you understand? How can it be okay? How can you still care for me when I'm terrible?" I asked, hurt by how I was hurting him, and hurt more because he absorbed it all without sending it back to me.

"Because I love you," he answered. I pulled my head away and looked at him in shock. I new he felt for me... but love?

"Bella, don't look so worried," a smile spreading on his lips for the first time today, briefly. "I know you don't feel the same way, and it's okay. I know what I'm getting into and I'd rather be your second choice than anyone else's first."

"I don't deserve you," I said.

He gave a small smile and then told me, "Bells, do you want his voice in your head?"

I thought for a moment. I had never thought I had a choice about it. Hadn't I spent the last few months seeking it out desperately? Like a drug fix?

Then the garage flashed through my mind. I saw myself sitting next to Jacob on the floor, handing him a wrench and talking- even laughing. More importantly, I remembered how it felt. I remembered watching the clock at school, counting the hours, minutes, seconds, until I was driving toward La Push. Was my desire to hear Edward behind all of that? No. No, it wasn't. Wanting to see Jacob was behind it. Knowing I would feel the way that I feel when I'm around him was behind that. It stopped being about healing a broken heart and was about the way my heart involuntarily swelled when I was with him. Did I want to live my life seeking out disembodied voices that only left me empty afterward, or did I want to find something that actually made me feel full?

Jacob was looking at me, waiting patiently for my answer. He was always patient.

"No," I said at last. "I don't want him in my head."

"Then tell him that," he said. He made it sound like it wasn't ridiculous what I was going through. "You don't need someone else to fill you up, Bella. You don't have a hole in you- you are already complete. And perfect. You don't need anyone else to make you who you are."

I could feel the tears behind my eyes again, but out of gratitude this time. I pressed my face into his shoulder and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close against him in a hug that only Jacob could give.

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, I said in my head. Did it matter if Edward said he wanted me to move on, to be happy? I wanted to move on. I wanted to be happy. Goodbye, Edward. It was great, but it's my life.

I'm going to start living it again.


End file.
